Advent: Frustration and Regression

Since my last post, all my advent resolutions and intentions have completely failed. Though I have managed not to use Twitter and Facebook, I have found that I have replaced the time I believed I was wasting on social media on other forms of digital distraction such as Reddit. I have actually begun to get up later than I was before advent and my poor excuse for a prayer life has deteriorated even further.

Though my schedule was slightly put out by time I spent time in London last weekend, it does not explain why things have gone so poorly. I very much enjoyed my time in London as I was able to stay with some good Catholic friends with whom I was able to discuss some of my issues and benefit from some down time during which I was able to forget my difficulties. Unfortunately, the solace I received from the visit soon dissipated and I was soon thrust back into the maelstrom of my thoughts.

As the week has progressed, I have felt increasingly tired, irritable, stressed and introspective and things reached a head today when I over slept and was late and rushing for a dentists appointment. For most of the day, I felt positively grumpy and angry and was unable to stop thinking of things which tax my emotions - anything from Christmas shopping to extensional musings. Even my tried and tested method of pummelling emotional and psychological distress in the gym failed to help as I became frustrated by not being able to reach my goals.

So, here I am at square one. I came home from the gym, ate some beans and cheese on toast and indulged in my mother's home-made peanut butter fudge. After a warm bath, I watched a bit of Stargate Atlantis with a five year old port as company. Hopefully, my anger and stress will dissipate a little through the night. Tomorrow, I will go to confession and hope to start again - as the Rule of St Benedict says "Always We Begin Again".

Advent: Day 2

Besides giving up social media, I have also resolved to try and get up earlier during Advent. I've been a poor sleeper since my late teens and it often takes me several hours to finally doze off at night. I have tried every possible recommendation to try and improve my sleep patterns but nothing (other than a little to much alcohol) seems to work. I never wake up refreshed and ready to face the day and would much prefer to stay in bed most mornings. As a result, I usually get into work around 10am and the rest of the day seems rushed as I try to compress the gym, relaxation and prayer into the remainder of the evening.

With that said however, I know that with the right motivation I am capable of getting up at a reasonable hour (I even had a job in Marks and Spencer once which required me to get up at 5:30am). Today I managed to get up at 8am and take the dog for a walk before going to work. I felt shattered for most of the morning but I managed to get the gym at 5pm and was therefore home by 7pm rather than 9pm. After having dinner and watching a little Stargate Atlantis, I said some prayers, did a bit of spiritual reading and am now settling down to a Patrick O'Brien novel. I intend to have lights by 10:30pm and hope to get up at 7:30 am tomorrow. Maybe one day this Advent, I may even make it to the gym before work!

Advent

Today is the start of Advent and to help me prepare to make the most of Christmas, I have decided to give up all forms of social media. Twitter and Facebook offer many benefits; Facebook keeps me in touch with close friends and family (and help me keep track of birthdays and important events) whilst Twitter has enabled me to make new friends. It has also been a good source of information in a professional and personal sense and a source of light relief. Social media has been particularly useful for keeping in touch with fellow Catholics, something which is quite important given that I have no Catholic friends who live in close proximity.

The downside of social media however is that it is very easy to waste time using it, sometimes on issues and topics which as Bruvver Eccles (@BrotherEccles) might say are "not spiritually nourishing". One must also consider if one's real world friendships are suffering as the result of maintaining virtual friendships. I often find myself trawling Twitter, waiting to be entertained, when I know that my time would be better spent elsewhere. It therefore tends to feed a general lethargy which I feel has crept into my life.

Through my phone, I am constantly linked to Twitter and Facebook and I have begun to consider that social media may be doing me more harm than good. I hope to use my time way from it in a constructive manner, reflecting on spiritual and personal matters and taking the chance to read more. During Advent, I will also decide if I want to return to social media after Christmas. In such matters, I'm very much an "all or nothing" kind of person - I think I would find it very difficult to regulate my usage of social media to what I may consider as acceptable levels.

As a precursor to Advent, I stayed for a few days at Belmont Abbey. I spent my time there in prayer and spiritual reading (with good Patrick O'Brien novels for entertainment in the evening) as I had come to feel a little stretched and jaded in recent months. The two topics I focused on while I was there were spirituality and living the single life. 

I have long felt frustrated with my spiritual life. I find it difficult to pray beyond reciting the basic words of prayer and like many things in my life, I don't take enough care in making adequate preparation for it. In doing so, I do not feel that I am engaging in a full relationship with God. To explore and address this issue, I took the advice of Mark Lambert (@sitsio) and read "Forming Intentional Disciples" by Sherry A. Weddell [1], a fascinating book which explores the state of Catholicism in America (with implications for Western Christendom). In doing so, Weddell also provides a template for truly engaging with a personal God, something which I have come to realise I must make a priority in my life.

The second book I read on the topic of the spiritual life at Belmont was "The Spiritual Combat" by Dom Lorenzo Scupoli [2]. Though it is widely considered to be a classics in ascetic theology, I only really connected with it on an intellectual level and I didn't feel that it afforded me any important insights into my own spiritual difficulties. I will however return to it - one can't afford not to look for wisdom in any book which was a favourite of Saint Francis de Sales.

As I am getting older, being resolved to the single life, I have found that I am beginning to contemplate the importance of friendships, especially as friends and family get engaged, married and have children. To help me explore this increasingly difficult aspect of my life, I read "Men, Women and the Mystery of Love: Practical Insights from John Paul IIs 'Love and Responsibility'" by Edward Siri [3] and "The Courage to Be Chaste" by Benedict Groeschel. I can highly recommend both books as they offer practical advice from spiritual, emotional and psychological perspectives, many of which I was unaware.

So, my two topics for this Advent are spirituality and living the single life. Please pray that I may make some progress in understanding God's plan for me in each.

[1] http://www.amazon.co.uk/Forming-Intentional-Disciples-Knowing-Following/dp/1612785905

[2] http://www.amazon.co.uk/Spiritual-Combat-Treatise-Peace-Classics/dp/0895551527

[3] http://www.amazon.co.uk/Men-Women-Mystery-Love-Responsibility/dp/0867168404

[4] http://www.amazon.co.uk/Courage-Chaste-CFR-Benedict-Groeschel/dp/0809127059