Time to talk

Today is "Time to Talk Day", an initiative of "Time to Change" which aims to raise awareness of mental health issues and end mental health discrimination. [1] As I have suffered from anxiety and depression for he best part of 20 years, I thought I'd take the opportunity to share some of my thoughts and experiences.

This video is one of the best explanations of what it's like to have depression that I have come across (wish they hadn't used a dog though)

A little bit of History

I first began to experience serious anxiety when I was around fifteen years old. I had always been a slightly anxious child - I remember disliking harsh words, confrontation and being afraid of being beaten up - but things began to get worse during the years when I was doing my GCSEs. I had my first minor panic attack when I was sixteen and from then on, I often couldn't eat because my stomach would seize up. The psychosomatic effect on my stomach has stayed with me and at the time it was dangerous because I began to lose a lot of what little weight I had - I left school weighing seven and a half stone. I still find it difficult to remember what triggered these panic attacks; some have suggested that it may have been stress related to school work but I always enjoyed studying and I don't remember dreading revision or exams. At the time, some doctors thought I was anorexic whilst others prescribed me medication for irritable bowel syndrome. I did attend some relaxation classes but they didn't achieve enough to relieve the symptoms. 

I suffered my first major depressive episode when I was seventeen and it was triggered my first major panic attack. In the weeks leading up to it, I was unable to control my thoughts and my mind was racing. I wasn't able to sleep properly and I felt constantly nauseous. Things came to a head one evening when I was trying to get to sleep. The racing mind, the sweats and the nervous energy all combined to convince me that I was going mad. The next morning, and for every morning for what seemed like an eternity, my first act was to be sick with stomach bile. I began a steady spiral into despair which would eventually leave me wishing for death - I just didn't want to wake up another morning feeling so low. Thanks to the support of my family and faith, I never doubted that I was loved or possessed self worth. I never took any actions towards that end but it is a crushing experience to wish for death each day.

My recovery process was long and hard. I was prescribed the anti-depressant Seroxat and received cognitive therapy which helped me to understand what was happening to me. I firmly believe that learning about the physiological conditions of depression and anxiety helped me to overcome them because I like to understand how things work. The cognitive therapy also helped me to identify how my thought patterns could bring on panic attacks and contribute to my depression. I began to see how in some circumstances, I would allow my thoughts immediately jump to the worst case scenario, rather than consider more balanced and rational likelihoods. Dealing with the fear of returning to a major depressive state was also incredibly important as I was triggering that which I was seeking to avoid. Accepting that I may never fully recover from depression but that it was possible to live with it was likewise crucial to my rehabilitation. Little by little, I made my recovery; I was able to sit my A-Levels and though I needed to take a year out, I made it to university. Since that time, I have suffered three other major depressive periods, two coinciding with an attempt to wean myself off Seroxat and one whilst undertaking a PGCE course.

Though I continue to have periods of depression and anxiety, major panic attacks are thankfully quite rare but I do get the odd "spike" when I hear potentially worrying news about family or friends. Perhaps my greatest break through is that my appetite is not adversely affected by periods of depression or anxiety - I am therefore able to keep up my strength and weight which helps when I'm in a rut. Exercise and healthy eating is now a crucial part of my daily routine and I usually spend an hour and a half a day at the gym. I also try to ensure I don't get over tired (which is quite a challenge as I often go through bouts of insomnia when I am unable to control my thoughts) and have to be very careful with alcohol - a "big night" can leave me low for several weeks. I have also tried to make more time for prayer, spiritual reading and Mass and have found great consolation in doing so. Just before Advent, I made a retreat to Belmont Abbey and I think I will now look to make regular retreats to take time out and take stock of my situation.

Paradise lost

Having suffered from depression and anxiety for the majority of my life, I find it difficult to remember what it was like to live without it. It necessarily effects my decisions and ambitions and I have a vague sense that in some respects, I am the lesser for it. It has restricted my capacity for thought because I don't always feel in control of my own mental processes and I sometimes lapse into irrationality which only becomes apparent to me after the fact. It is hard to have to wonder how much of my personality is really me and how much of it is due to Seroxat and its side effects. As I am also diminished in my ability to cope with stress, I have to be very careful what pressures I put myself under, especially with regards to work and personal life. When I was younger, I was convinced I would be a "high flyer" with a well paid and important job but having learnt from friends the stresses and strains such positions entail, I know they would be detrimental to my health.

Besides periods where I feel low and anxious, the most lasting effect of my depression is poor sleep and a lack of energy. I am prone to periods where I feel quite anti-social and I often go through frantic periods of mental activity, which I sometimes find relief from through reading or coding.

As a Catholic, the two major vocations are to the priesthood or the married life but I have decided that both are beyond me. I doubt my capacity to be a good priest or husband and father because of the mental fortitude required and because there are times when I feel the need to withdraw into myself and to be alone. The thought of experiencing a major depressive episode with the responsibilities incumbent on a priest or husband and father fills me with dread and as I believe that all dating should be entered into with the possibility of marriage in mind, I am necessarily single. Such decisions do not of course lesson my attraction towards women or my examination of vocation so it always a bitter-sweet when I see a pretty face, learn someone I have affection for begins dating or attend an engagement party, wedding or ordination. In this, I am sometime troubled because I wonder if my decision amounts to a denial of the possibility of God's grace giving me the strength to fulfil such vocations. If it does, it is a serious matter indeed.

Depression and anxiety have been a great test of my faith - at times, I struggled to find God in the midst of my suffering. Why didn't he take this cross from me? What possible good could it achieve? If only I was free of it, I could accomplish so much more.

Paradise regained 

It may sound asinine to suggest that there may be any positives in depression and anxiety but after healing and reflection, I finally managed to find them. Despite my initial despair and anger with God, the whole experience has strengthened my Faith. I am able to recognise God's guiding hand in the decisions I made and the people that encouraged me throughout my journey. The suffering aspect of Faith is something I had never considered before my depression and it particularly drew me closer to Christ through his passion and death. I am convinced that the Cross is the only answer to sin and suffering because it leads to the Resurrection. Who knows - if it wasn't for depression, maybe my faith wouldn't have been as important to me as it is now?

I believe that my own experiences with suffering have made me a better person - I have greater empathy with those in pain and I am less judgemental because I recognise that we are not always completely free to make the right decisions when we suffer. Though I don't always show it, I appreciate my family and friends a lot more because I recognise how their support was and is for my own well-being. Indeed, if I hadn't have taken a year out from university, I may never have made the great and lasting friendships I eventually made there or at current workplace. I have found it a privilege to give advice and help to some people who have experienced depression and anxiety for themselves and I now regularly pray for all those so afflicted. My experiences may also have tempered any inclinations towards materialism and arrogance with regards to my own abilities.

I could name point to a million and one little things which, in response to depression and anxiety have given me great satisfaction but a few will suffice. I have already mentioned the gym but (when I'm not injured), I also enjoy running. My love of classical music is in part due to the fact that I asked a friend to recommend some relaxing pieces which I could listen to when I was feeling anxious. The same friend also suggested that I try watching Star Trek when I wanted to take my mind off things because it was often on late at night when I couldn't sleep (As an avowed Star Wars fan I was deeply suspicious of Trekkers at the time but I was soon converted). At my lowest ebb, I found great solace in the natural world, be it in the great outdoors, natural history and animals and such an appreciation is now a vital part of my life.

I'll end this post with an invitation to anyone who suffers from depression and anxiety to seek help. One in four people will suffer in this way at some point in our life so there are more of us out there than you might think. Talking about it is the first step to dealing with it and making a recovery. I would advise against taking medication immediately (doctors seem too quick to prescribe anti-depressants when cognitive and similar therapies should be tried first) but do not be afraid to do so should it be deemed necessary. If you are prescribed medication, make sure you are aware of all the contra-indications first and try and get someone to help monitor you during the process (monitoring and re-evaluation is perhaps not all it should be in the NHS). Please also take a holistic approach to your health - we all need to take care of ourselves physically, mentally and spiritually.

The patron saint of those who suffer from emotional or mental disorders is Saint Dymphna, who was born in Ireland during the 7th century, her feast day being traditionally celebrated on May 15. A Novena for her intercession can be found at http://www.praymorenovenas.com/st-dymphna-novena/

Litany to Saint Dymphna

Lord have mercy on us. 

Christ have mercy on us. 

Lord have mercy on us. 

Christ hear us. 

Christ graciously hear us. 

God the Father of Heaven, have mercy on us. 

God the Son, Redeemer of the World, have mercy on us. 

God the Holy Ghost, have mercy on us. 

Holy Trinity, One God, have mercy on us. 

Holy Mary, Virgin Mother of God, pray for us.

Health of the sick, pray for us. 

Comforter of the afflicted, pray for us. 

Our Lady, Help of Christians, pray for us. 

St. Dymphna, virgin and Martyr, pray for us.

St. Dymphna, daughter of royal parents, pray for us. 

St. Dymphna, child of great beauty of soul and body, pray for us. 

St. Dymphna, docile to the lessons of thy pious mother, pray for us. 

St. Dymphna, obedient to thy saintly confessor, pray for us. 

St. Dymphna, who abandoned the court of thy father to 

escape the danger of impurity, pray for us. 

St. Dymphna, who chose a life of poverty on earth so that thou might lay up 

treasures in Heaven, pray for us. 

St. Dymphna, who sought consolation at Holy Mass, Communion and prayer, pray for us. 

St. Dymphna, ardent lover of the Divine Bridegroom, pray for us. 

St. Dymphna, devoted to the Mother of God, pray for us. 

St. Dymphna, beheaded by thine own father, pray for us. 

St. Dymphna, Martyr of holy purity, pray for us. 

St. Dymphna, brilliant example of Christian youth, pray for us. 

St. Dymphna, renowned for many miracles, pray for us. 

St. Dymphna, glory of Ireland and Belgium, pray for us. 

St. Dymphna, full of compassion for those in need, pray for us. 

St. Dymphna, protectress against all nervous and mental disorders, pray for us. 

St. Dymphna, consoler of the afflicted, pray for us. 

St. Dymphna, friend of the helpless, pray for us. 

St. Dymphna, comforter of the despondent, pray for us. 

St. Dymphna, light of those in mental darkness, pray for us. 

St. Dymphna, patroness of those who suffer with nervous and mental diseases, pray for us.

That we may love the lord our God with all our hearts and above all things, 

pray for us. 

That we may hate sin and avoid all occasion of sin, pray for us. 

That we may carefully preserve the virtue of purity to our state, pray for us. 

That we may receive the Sacraments frequently, pray for us. 

That we may obtain the spirit of prayer, pray for us. 

That we may be humble and obedient, resigning ourselves to God's Holy Will, 

pray for us. 

That we may learn to have confidence in God during our afflictions, pray for us. 

That we may obtain the grace of final perseverance, pray for us.

In moments of temptation, pray for us. 

In times of sickness, disease, war, and persecution, pray for us. 

In our last illness, pray for us. 

And at the hour of our death, pray for us.

Lamb of God, Who takest away the sins of the world, spare us O Lord 

Lamb of God, Who takes away the sins of the world, graciously hear us O Lord. 

Lamb of God, Who takest away the sins of the world, have mercy on us.

Pray for us Saint Dymphna, that we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ.

Let us Pray.

O God, since Thou didst give St. Dymphna to Thy Church as a model of all virtues, especially holy purity, and willed that she shouldst seal her faith with her innocent blood and perform numerous miracles, grant that we who honor her as patroness of those afflicted with nervous and mental illness, may continue to enjoy her powerful intercession and protection and attain eternal life. Through Christ our 

Lord. Amen.

[1] http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/timetotalkday 

Catholicism and Depression

 
On Tuesday, the world woke up to the news that depression had claimed the life of another well loved celebrity. Robin Williams will forever be remembered as a unique and madcap talent, famous for critically acclaimed films like The Fisher King, Good Morning Vietnam, Insomnia, Good Will Hunting, The Adventures of Baron Munchausen and Awakenings but also for crowd pleasers such as Mrs Doubtfire, Aladdin and Mork and Mindy. Whilst his genius clearly lay in comedy, his acting credits included a range of characters from the psychotic villain of One Hour Photo to the fragile but sympathetic psychologist of Good Will Hunting. It might seem ironic that someone who brought fun and laughter to millions should take their own life but Robin Williams had been battling with depression and drug and alcohol abuse for some time. Perhaps like many, laughter and comedy was a means of keeping the darkness at bay. [1]

Though death, particularly in tragic circumstances, can sometimes lead to somewhat effuse, superfluous hyperbole in eulogy, it appears that Williams was a generous and kindhearted man who was loved by his friends and family. [2] The Beatles suggested that "All you need is love" but that simply is not true. You also need Faith and Hope. People who do decide to take their own lives may no longer have faith in other people or believe that no-one has faith in them. They also do not hope for something better or beyond their suffering.

Sometimes, it is hard to accept depression in a Christian framework. If one is a practising Christian, fully convinced of God's love for them and the complete triumph of Christ on the Cross, what is there to fear? Is depression just a sign of a lack of Faith? Some Christian traditions appear to take this approach seemingly ignorant of Christ's own mental anguish (he was "deeply moved in spirit and troubled" and wept at the death of Lazarus [3]) and the whole tradition of lamentation evident in the Old Testament. "While research shows that some believers can be more resistant to depression... it is also true that some approaches to religion can be associated with higher rates of depression and emotional problems. When evaluating the power of belief to protect against emotional problems, the research seems to show that the question isn't "do you believe?" but rather what do you believe, how, and why?" [4]

The Catholic Church has not always had a complete understanding of suicide because previous generations had little understanding of the psychological causes and impact of depression - it was therefore always analysed in purely spiritual terms. Depression does not leave a person completely devoid of freewill, inexorably fixing them on the path to suicide nor can one overcome it by force of character, joyful obstinacy or a rigorous prayer regimen. As Simcha Fisher suggests, "Many people who are severely depressed are suffering from some combination of spiritual and physical ailments... they are dealing with some things that are out of their control and some things that are within their control... they need sacrificial love and patience from friends and family, and also some kind of hard work and self-knowledge in order to make it through the dark times."  [5] In short, depression is best treated through application of Faith and Reason:

My son, when you are sick do not be negligent,

but pray to the Lord, and he will heal you.

 Give up your faults and direct your hands aright,

and cleanse your heart from all sin.

Offer a sweet-smelling sacrifice, and a memorial portion of fine flour,

and pour oil on your offering, as much as you can afford.

And give the physician his place, for the Lord created him;

let him not leave you, for there is need of him.

There is a time when success lies in the hands of physicians,

for they too will pray to the Lord

that he should grant them success in diagnosis

and in healing, for the sake of preserving life.

He who sins before his Maker,

may he fall into the care of a physician. [6]

Suicide is contrary to the Fifth Commandment and contrary to justice, hope, and charity. As the Catechism of the Catholic Church states, "Suicide contradicts the natural inclination of the human being to preserve and perpetuate his life. It is gravely contrary to the just love of self. It likewise offends love of neighbour because it unjustly breaks the ties of solidarity with family, nation, and other human societies to which we continue to have obligations. Suicide is contrary to love for the living God." [7] It was often believed to be the one sin for which one could not be forgiven because suicide was committed against Hope and the Holy Spirit - the giver of life [8]. For this reason, those who had committed suicide were often denied a Christian burial.

In the Catholic understanding, particular condemnation is reserved for those who encourage suicide as a viable social norm because all life, regardless of how humanity perceives it's value, is precious to God. This view also takes into account the salvific potential of suffering when united to Christ's passion, death and resurrection. "If suicide is committed with the intention of setting an example, especially to the young, it also takes on the gravity of scandal. Voluntary co-operation in suicide is contrary to the moral law." [9]

Today, the Church understands that as a person needs to be in full control of their faculties to bear the full responsibility of a sin, the gravity of suicide can be mitigated by its circumstances as "grave psychological disturbances, anguish, or grave fear of hardship, suffering, or torture can diminish the responsibility of the one committing suicide." [10] It also actively encourages the faithful to pray for those who have died in such tragic circumstances: "We should not despair of the eternal salvation of persons who have taken their own lives. By ways known to him alone, God can provide the opportunity for salutary repentance. The Church prays for persons who have taken their own lives." [11] For those who are curious, the Patron Saints for those suffering with depression and anxiety are St Jude and St Dymphna whilst a specifically Catholic outlook on depression can be found in The Catholic Guide to Depression by Dr. Aaron Kheriaty and Msgr. John Cihak. [12]

Robin Williams' death is a tragedy devoid of blame or endorsement. It has brought out the voyeuristic worst in our celebrity obsessed culture and media [13] and the downright loathsome abuse of those in grief for a man they loved as friend, husband and father [14]. Christ has taken all suffering offered to Him through his passion, death and resurrection and transformed it - maybe in the manner of his death Robin Williams can convince some who need help to find it, just as they may have found solace in the manner of his life on screen. 

May choirs of angels come to greet him and speed him to paradise. May the Lord enfold him in His mercy. May he find eternal life.

[1] http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-28753326

[2] http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-28751241

[3] John 11: 33 -35

[4] http://www.patheos.com/blogs/faithonthecouch/2014/08/dealing-with-depression-getting-the-right-kind-of-help-matters/

[5] http://www.patheos.com/blogs/simchafisher/2014/08/13/faith-reason-depression-and-help/

see http://lifelibertyandcrap.wordpress.com/2014/08/13/guest-postdepressed-catholics-god-wants-you-to-get-help/ also

[6] Sirach 38:9-15

[7] Catechism of the Catholic Church, §2281

[8] Mt 12: 31

[9] Catechism of the Catholic Church, §2282

[10] Ibid

[11] Ibid, §2283

[12] http://www.nationalreview.com/article/372068/getting-free-interview

[13] http://www.themediablog.co.uk/the-media-blog/2014/08/robin-williams-newspaper-coverage.html

[14] http://mashable.com/2014/08/13/zelda-williams-quits-twitter/